WASHINGTON D.C. — In his most aggressive of moves yet, U.S. President Donald J. Trump placed a price on the head of the world’s most infamous illegal immigrant as part of his most recent executive order.
Unable to make any real progress on matters important to most actual Republicans such as the repeal of the Affordable Care Act, Trump has found his way to appear to be doing something as he struggles to even set up a capable cabinet is to issue executive orders.
“It’s really neat,” Trump told various media outlets on Monday. “It’s sort of a mix between being king and an episode of the Apprentice.”
With a bounty set at $1 million more than the bounty on Osama Bin Laden’s head at the time he was killed, Trump has made it clear taking Dora Marquez into custody is a priority of his administration.
“I want her dead or alive,”added Trump.
“She just waltzes around the world, spitting in the face of our laws,” explained Trump. “We are a nation of laws, and in true presidential form, I’m going to spit back.”
Trump published the executive order by way of Twitter.
Sources at the White House said Vice President Mike Pence was out to lunch plotting to undermine Trump’s presidency as part of his bid to completely destroy LGBT rights. Thus, nobody knew where the pens were or the password for the computer.
“I can Tweet what I want,” said Trump in answering questions regarding the legitimacy of his Tweeted executive order.
Trump said it’s not so much Marquez’s actions which made him put the dead or alive price tag on her head. It’s how she does it.
“She flaunts it,” said Trump. “Goes anywhere she wants. Never see a passport.”
She’s not alone either, said Trump.
“Then there’s this Juan character she travels with, or Jose, Diego, something like that. Doesn’t matter what his name is,” said Trump. “I’m putting $20 million on his head.”
Trump said the groundbreaking executive order is the result of much research. According to the president, he and top advisor Stephen Bannon have been tracking the pair’s movements as their largest and most important mission throughout the transition.
“We have spent countless hours sifting through intelligence,” said Trump. “Steve has all 172 episodes of Dora the Explorer on DVD. It was time well spent, and he even made popcorn.”
Trump said Marquez and Jose — or whatever his name is — aren’t your average Mexicans stuffed in the back of a box truck to come pick tomatoes. He will need to pull out all the stops to track them down.
“She traveled to the Jurassic period,” the president remarked. “No passport. No visa. She must have had a time machine, and that thing probably wasn’t registered. It’s got to be illegal.”
At first, it appeared congressional Republicans wouldn’t back Trump’s order on Monday. Then House Speaker Paul Ryan learned while in the United States on an illegal journey, Marquez saw an American orthodontist to have dental work performed.
“Here in America we believe in restricting access to health care of any kind to only those at the top edge of the socioeconomic ladder,” said Ryan. “Marquez has defied our entire time-honored tradition of economic privilege.”
As for Trump, he will wait and see what happens. One thing is sure, said the president. He will continue to use illegal immigration to rile up his base.
And as far as the important stuff goes, somebody will get around to it, noted Trump.
You only get one presidency in life, and Trump said “if nothing else, I’m going to make this thing memorable.”
The preceding column is satire and in no way reflects actual comments made by the individuals cited in this story.
Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.